Seven Sisters

May 18^th 1892

My Dear Husband,

You have forced me to write what I would very much rather say – indeed I cannot think why you refuse to hear me – oh! If you just stop to consider all things, to look at things more fairly & in an all-round manner, surely you would see that there are faults on both sides, & would therefore be less hard, less fierce in your judgement & behaviours.

Whether we love each other or whether we do not, our lives still to be lived; & it seems to me that it behaves us for the sake of our own dear little child to make the best of we can of what remains to be lived.

Now, as regards the question of servant. You said you would not allow me to have another girl, but that I should leave school. I thought it wiser not to tale you at your word immediately, because you did not know what I had to tell you. Miss Goodall has told me that my salary is to be raised, she thought from £90 to be a good sum. Now, will it be wisdom to throw up my appointment for two rooms, - with no love in them. On the other hand, will the child be benefitted by my doing do – if so, I think HE is the weightier consideration & NOT the money.

Again, another proposition,

I am willing if you think it well, & are agreeable for a small school, to which a house is attached in the country – near London. I would then have the supervision of the boy, it would be healthy for him & (within easy distance of town) you could see him as often as you wished. Only this last week, there were several very tempting advertisements of the kind.

So, you see there are three ways in which we may drag out our existence, each of which has its own particular advantage. It nests with you to choose. I am willing to abide by wither. Now I’m going to put aside this kind of business & write about something else.

Old  Mannie darling (you must excuse the old style of addressing you – somehow it comes most naturally) how is it that there are so many & such exceedingly better bothers. Why is that we always seem to be playing at cross purposes “Incompatibility of temper” I can hear you reply. Well it may be – but I know what I think about it.

Sear, ever since we’ve been married I’ve never held the position, that as a wife, I ought to hols “Because” perhaps you will say “You were never capable” Ah! but is that not a little unfair? Before I was able to gain any experience at all, you dubbed me “a fool! & I’m afraid, crushed me to a certain extent & so I never had any real opportunity to show whether I am capable of performing the duties of a wife or no. I can easily illustrate what I mean – while I was under Mrs Phillips, I was being taught my profession. She forgot that in time I LEARNT it & knew it well & therefore never gave me a chance to rise, she kept me down, like a beginner all the time when I  was longing, so much to try new things for myself, to be responsible, for myself to act & think for myself. The time came. I left. THEN I KNEW my worth – BEFORE I felt almost certain I would do things myself, that she would meddle with. So it seems a little with you and me. Remember dear how you have ordered me to do this or that before the girls, how very much of you, at times have been “in authority” over me & how you have rather enforced me obedience by severity rather than gained it by respect & love on my part. “But my darling old Mannie, such a course was never necessary. When we were married it was my one desire to obey you, love you & respect you. I wished for nothing better than to wait on you & please you in every way I wanted, in however humble a way, to add to your happiness. Old Mannie, you know I was sensitive & innocent then! But all the castles I built have crumbled to dust & we are as we are.

Dear old darling, do not for one moment think that I want to cast all blame on you. God forbid – for much rests on my own shoulders – very much. I was always wilful & I am afraid it clings to me still. Neglectful, too in many things, or perhaps procrastinating is a better word. I say after “oh! I’ll do that by and bye! & then I’ve forgotten  & so displease you. And then often I know I’ve been rude to you, not because I wished really to be rude, but because I’ve foolishly lost my temper at what you have said. I can never be sorry enough for two or three things that have happened & that stand out beyond all others. That that happened at Christmas & later when I went home. Of course dear. Mary did help me then – in fact I hear as far as Gospel bak, rather against her will I think. I am experiencing

 More sorrow at all things, because though you do not believe it I can never forget our goodness & the love you HAVE shown me, I can never forget the consideration you have treated me with, nor the thought you have expended upon me. And because of this & the love I have fore  you – for I cannot disguise the fact from myself that if you were to slay me I must love you still – again I pray you, implore you, let me be GEORGIE again. Oh! If you only knew how full f anguish my heart is – it seems just as if it would break sometimes. But you don’t understand, you think when I smile & put on the bravado that its real – when all the while______________

There are other things I would like to tell you, but perhaps I’d better not. It would do no good except this – that whatever the consequences may be, I am determined never to attempt any deceit again – I’ve never LIED to you, but I’ve not told you things like I used to because I’ve been afraid of bothers  & sometimes I’ve first put a different colouring on things & so deceived you. But I have very seriously thought out all & I’m determined not to do so again.

Now I’ve no time to write any more, so dear, if I’ve written any thing that I should not, forgive me. I assure you there are no wrong nor wicked thoughts in my heart as you can imagine. I honestly want to do that which is right, & I am determined to do so. With all the love that my heart will hold.

Believe me always to be

Your loving wife

Georgie Hockley.